31 Finding Myself
by ccmal
Summary: Almanzo has trouble dealing with his paralysis. 31st in the series


**Finding Myself**

LHOP inspired fan fiction by Cheryl C. Malandrinos

Disclaimer: I do not own the Little House on the Prairie television series, book series, or any of the characters.

**Author's note: This story revolves around Almanzo in the episode "Days of Sunshine, Days of Shadow". It explores some of what he might have been thinking and feeling as he struggled with his paralysis and shows how he came to decide to gain his former life back. I have used some of the dialogue from this episode when it is appropriate.**

I hear light footsteps comin down the stairs. The doorknob clicks and I know it must be Laura. I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.

Her lips brush my forehead and then I hear her slippered feet shuffle along the floor and the door open and close. My eyes flip open and I stare up at the ceilin. If Laura's kiss had come before my stroke, its tenderness would have ignited sparks of passion deep inside me. No matter how tired I might be after a day's work, we would end up lovin each other. But now those feelins are buried underneath the pain of knowin I ruined my life, and hers.

Every day the farm chores call to me, but I can't do them. I'm useless; a sorry excuse for the strong, virile man I used to be. Even the birth of our daughter brings me no joy. I had so looked forward to havin children and now I can't even enjoy it. I want to find my way back to the life I had before my illness, but I don't know how…or even if I can.

It's the next day and Laura stomps out onto the porch where I am sittin in my wheelchair. She asks me to watch Rose until Eliza Jane comes home. She is goin into town with her Pa. Her tone tells me, she is still angry. But Laura doesn't understand what it is like. One day I was a young farmer with a bright future full of promise. If hard work could make me prosper, then I knew I would. I had worked hard my whole life. But first the diphtheria got me. Instead of harvestin my wheat crop and payin off all our debts, I laid in bed.

Then the hail came. I ran out to save the wheat, shovin Laura aside as she pleaded with me not to go. A sharp pain filled my head and everythin went black.

When I awoke, I tried to tell the doctor what was wrong through lips that wouldn't form words. I still remember the fear on Laura's face as she cried, "Doc Baker, what is it? What?"

"His left side is paralyzed. He's suffered a stroke." Those words rang in my head. As I tried to pull myself up from the pillow, I begged Laura to help me.

Rose had been sleepin, and now she awoke with a cry.

"Come here Rosie Posie," I say, pickin her out of the cradle. Rockin back and forth in my wheelchair with Rose in my lap, I speak to her softly. "Mama will be back soon."

Rose's brown eyes sparkle, just like Laura's used to. But the fire in my Beth's eyes has dimmed over the past few months as she struggles to care for me.

"Oh Rosie Posie, what kind of life will ya have now that your Pa can't take care of ya?" I pull her up to my shoulder and Rose snuggles into my neck. I feel her warm breath on my skin. "When your Mama told me she was gonna have a baby, I jumped through Grandpa's barn roof I was so excited. The whole time Mama carried ya, I thought about all the things I could teach ya and all the things we'd do together."

Rose gurgled as if she understood what I was sayin.

"But look at me now. I can't even teach myself to walk. My legs don't do what they should. Your Ma and the others think I like bein in this chair. How many times should I fall before they admit I'll never walk again?"

Tears come to my eyes as I say those words out loud. They are always hard to hear. Puttin Rose back down into my lap so I can look into her face, I feel the silky smoothness of her skin. It makes me smile. "Don't worry Rosie Posie, Papa will think of somethin."

Laura comes downstairs again. This time I am awake readin. She coyly asks if she can sleep in my room, claimin it is too hot upstairs. I beg her to stop.

"Beth please…"

"Manly, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. Don't shut me out."

"I'm a cripple. Ya wanna lie next to a cripple?"

"I want to lie next to my husband."

"He doesn't exist anymore," I say, for surely the man she had married is not who I am now. The same looks and the same heart, but physically and mentally so different from the person she agreed to love, honor, and cherish.

How can I ask for her love when by fate she has been straddled with an invalid? My feelins for Laura remain unchanged. I love her as much as ever. But I'm afraid I would wanna be with her in a way I no longer know how. I can't experience her same as I did before my paralysis. The shame rises inside me because I can't tell her how much I love her. I have to push her away and hope she might give up on me. Maybe she will move on and let a real man be her husband. My heart aches to think of Laura with anyone else, but she doesn't deserve this.

She turns to leave, hurt by my rejection. I'm ashamed of that too. "Beth," I call to her. "Maybe things will be better in the city."

"Maybe," she replies in a tone which doesn't convince me she believes it.

She leaves and I hear her slow and labored footsteps on the stairs. I wanna run to her; pick her up in my arms and say I'm sorry…but I can't. I toss the sheets off my body and stare at my useless limb. I punch the bed with my good hand. In frustration, I throw the book across the room. It crashes against the wall and lands with a thud on the floor. I lay back and stare up at the ceilin until my eyes grow heavy.

It is now mornin, and Laura makes sure I am all set so she can go visit her folks. She leaves Rose with me. She won't be gone long.

I watch Rose sleepin. She has no idea we are plannin a big move. I'm saddened to know all our daughter's memories of Walnut Grove will only be from stories we have told her. This town is my home and I hate the thought of leavin it. Years ago, I faced leavin Walnut Grove, but it was soon after settlin here and for very different reasons. I hadn't had enough time to appreciate the town and its people. But now, like Beth, I can't imagine callin another place home. Certainly not a big city like Minneapolis. So much has happened to me here. I arrived a bachelor; now I am a husband and father. I came to live my dream of ownin a farm. I even got to live that dream for a while; but with every passin day, I see the farm of my dreams slippin through my fingers.

Rose stirs now and opens her eyes. She smiles at me.

"Hi Rosie Posie." I pick her out of the cradle and rest her small body in the crook of my arm.

She coos and gurgles as she kicks her feet. Her arms fly around as she smiles at me. Rose doesn't know yet how hard life can be. She hasn't experienced what it is like to be close to fulfillin your dreams and then watchin helplessly as they slip away.

What kind of a man will you marry my little Rosie Posie? Hopefully not a farmer. Don't marry someone whose livelihood depends on Mother Nature and prayers. You will be disappointed. Mother Nature is a cruel matriarch. She leads ya to believe ya can pay off your debts and maybe even prosper; then she snatches it all away with her storms and insects. Your months of hard work are quickly gone.

And where did my prayers get me? I still got sick; hail flattened my wheat crop; and no matter how many times I've asked, I remain a useless cripple — a burden to my wife, my sister, and maybe even one day, you. Don't marry a farmer Rose. Please, don't marry a farmer.

The door clicks open and I hear Laura say, "I'm back." Her voice never has the sound of joy in it like it used to. I guess that's my fault too. She sure must be tired takin care of me and a new baby. She doesn't complain; but I rarely see her smile either. I place Rose back in her cradle so I can spin my wheelchair around to face Laura.

"What did they say?"

"They told me they would support whatever we decide to do." She leans in and picks Rose out of the cradle and brings her up to her shoulder before continuin. "Pa didn't look very happy and Ma was real quiet. I thought she was going to cry."

"We don't have any choice Beth," I say defensively. "I can't run this farm and I can't expect you or your pa to do it. Ya woulda gone back to teachin sooner or later. At least in the city I can work and you can stay home with Rose."

"I know Manly, but I'm going to leave my family behind, and people I've known most of my life. And just because I like your sister doesn't mean I want to live with her."

"It'll only be until we can afford a place of our own."

"How long will that be?"

"I don't know. It depends on what kinda job I find."

"How are all four of us going to live in her tiny apartment?"

I wave my hands in frustration. "Beth, I can't tell ya what ya wanna hear. We can't stay on a farm when I can't take care of it. We havta take Eliza Jane up on her offer. I know it's gonna be hard, but you've never been one to shy away from stuff just cuz it ain't easy."

Her face is now red with anger. "You should talk!" she screams. "You've given up on everything — our marriage, our family, and getting better.

"I'm not gonna get any better."

"You don't know that for sure. You're just so afraid of failing that you won't even try. I can't stand by and watch it Almanzo. I don't want to see you spend the rest of your life being waited on by Eliza Jane."

"My sister is just tryin to help."

"Oh yes, she's trying to help all right. She wants to help you stay in that wheelchair so she can feel needed."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is! She wants you to stay in that chair so we are forced to move and she'll have you near her." Laura is overcome with emotion. The tears flow down her freckled cheeks and she turns away. She puts Rose down in her cradle so she can dab at the corner of her eyes with a handkerchief. Her voice now softer, she kneels by my chair. "I know this has been hard on you but it hasn't been easy for me either. I need a husband. I want to share my life with you, but you don't even talk to me. You're always tired or busy with something in your room. You haven't kissed me in months," she says caressing the back of my hand. "What kind of marriage do we have?"

"I'm sorry Beth, I can't think about that right now. I wanna get settled in Minneapolis and find a job, then we can start on our marriage."

She glares at me. "I don't want to move to Minneapolis with you. I don't want to move anywhere with you until I know you are committed to Rose and me." Laura picks up the baby and stomps upstairs.

"Beth! Beth!" I call, but all I hear is the slammin of a door.

It's the next day and Eliza Jane and I are on our way to Ed's house. They're puttin up hay. I can't do nothin — Eliza Jane was quick to point that out back at my place — but at least I can watch and talk to some of the guys.

Laura should be home by now. She went to see her folks. She sure was mad when she left. I told her to tell her pa I wasn't goin to Ed's, but after I watched Eliza Jane showin a man and his wife around our house, I needed to get out and do somethin.

My sister tugs on the reins and pulls the horses to a stop. The men light up when they see me and they stop workin to help me out of the back of the wagon and into my wheelchair. Ed shakes my hand.

"It sure is good to see ya again Manzo."

"Thanks Ed. It feels good to be out."

Eliza Jane promises she'll be back after school. The men and I chat a bit longer and then everyone gets to work. It's a fine mornin, no sun but it's cool and dry enough for heavy workin. I watch them rakin and laughin, and feel left out. I should be right there with um instead of in this blasted chair.

My eyes travel up to the sky. Thick, dark clouds roll in and the wind picks up. The men join me in eyeballin the sky. We are all a bit nervous over the swirlin clouds. The wind becomes strong enough to blow the hay in every direction. Men start to carry their tools into the barn. Charles walks up to me and begins pushin my chair towards the house.

"C'mon Almanzo, let's get you closer to the cellar…just in case."

Moments later we see the funnel in the sky. Woman and children run out of the house and race down the steps into the root cellar. Charles pushes faster as he orders his sons, Albert and James to get into the cellar too.

The men help me out of the chair and lower me down the stairs. I'm lookin at the funnel. It seems my place might be right in its path. I hope Laura and Rose ain't home yet. I feel my backside hit the dirt floor and the door to the cellar closes, leavin me to wonder if the funnel will shift positions.

We listen in silence to the howlin winds outside. Somewhere, a window breaks, and I begin prayin for Laura's and Rose's safety. The cellar door rattles, but holds. I gaze up at Charles and know he is afraid for his family too.

The wind dies down and after a few minutes Ed unhinges the cellar door. It is sunny and bright, but the traces of the tornado lay scattered in Ed's yard. Stan says he found my wheelchair near the creek bed. The other men lift me out of the cellar and help me into it. As soon as I see Charles, I grab his sleeve.

"That twister looked like it was headin for my place."

Charles nods. "Alright, we'll stop there first and then go over to my farm."

I panic when I see the ruins of the house. Nothin is left. Ya might as well throw a match on it and let it burn. Charles, Albert, and James jump out and search for Laura. All I can do is scream from the back of the wagon.

"Beth! Where are you, Beth? Are you alright? Answer me!" Please God, don't let anythin happen to them. I shoulda stayed home, I automatically think. But then I realize Laura woulda needed to drag my crippled body into the cellar. I would only have put them in danger.

"Beth!" I scream again, hopin for an answer.

"We found her," hollers Charles from behind the house.

"Is she okay?" I yell back.

"Don't know. She's unconscious."

I see James run off towards town. He must be goin to get Doc Baker. Now Charles and Albert show up, carryin Laura. They get her limp body into the wagon. I hold her in my arms.

I panic. "Where's Rose?"

"In the root cellar," replies Albert. "I'll get her."

Albert brings Rose to me. She is scared and crying. So am I. I try to comfort her, but all I can think about is Laura. My tears fall onto my shirt. "Please be alright Beth. Please," I whisper.

As the wagon pulls away the little black cat Laura has been feedin jumps into the back with us and curls up next to Laura, as if to protect her. We rush off to the Ingalls farm and hope Doc Baker will be there by the time we arrive.

I am relieved when Doc Baker tells us Laura will be okay. Losin Laura would be too much to handle on top of all this. Her folks decide not to tell her about the house until she is stronger.

"Is there any chance of rebuilding?" the doctor asks Charles.

"The house is gone. It's firewood," I answer in disgust as I stare out the window. What else could possibly happen to us?

"I'm sorry things are so dark right now Almanzo," I hear Doc Baker say.

I don't respond. What's the point?

After Doc Baker leaves I decide to go out for some fresh air. A lot of good that will do me right about now. I have no money and now there's no house to sell. I can't move to Minneapolis and I can't stay where I am. Things keep gettin worse instead of better.

It is days later and I ask Caroline to tell Eliza Jane I wanna see her tomorrow mornin. My sister is livin at Nellie's Hotel and Restaurant now, and Laura, Rose and I are stayin with Laura's folks.

Eliza Jane arrives the next mornin and we go down to the lake. I tell her we aren't movin. She doesn't take it well. We argue. She tells me she wants me closer to her so that she can take care of me.

"I don't want anyone to take care of me," I tell her, "not you, not Laura, nobody."

"You have no choice," she says.

"Yes I do — I can die."

She is horrified. "Almanzo, you don't mean that."

"I pray for it every night. If there's a God in Heaven, He'll let me die." I have never seen my sister look so scared. "Please go away Eliza Jane. Go home."

She turns and warily walks in the direction of town. I head back to the Ingalls farm, and pray once again that God will let me die so I can release everyone from their burden of carin for me.

I hear loud voices in the house and I call to the people inside to come help me. Charles wheels me in and I see Laura with tears fallin down her face. Grace is bein cradled in Caroline's arms.

"She saw the house today," explains Charles.

"Beth, we woulda…" I begin, but her glare stops me from goin any further. She doesn't wanna hear excuses.

There are several more minutes of angry screamin. Charles and I let her vent. Caroline takes Grace into the other room so she can calm her down. Exhausted, Laura plops into a kitchen chair. She tucks the stray hairs back into place, then folds her hands on the table.

"Look, maybe we were wrong. Maybe we shoulda told ya about it, but we were worried," I say, "We weren't sure how you were gonna take it."

"So you lied to me."

Charles, who is sittin at the table with her, tries to help her understand. "We didn't think it was a lie Half-pint; we just thought we were doing the best thing for you."

Laura shuffles her feet along the floor. Head hung low, she reaches the fireplace and gazes into the glowing embers. "Everything's gone, everything; I've lost it all."

"How can you say that?" I ask in disbelief. "You're still here and Rose…you saved our little girl's life."

She whips around. "And I saved a cat, don't forget about the cat."

Turnin back towards the fireplace her eyes focus on the bread plate that used to be in our kitchen. Laura pulls it down from the mantle as Caroline walks back into the room.

"Where did you get this?" Laura asks.

"I found it," replies Caroline. "It's a miracle it wasn't broken."

"So we have a baby, a cat, and a plate…but no home. No home!" Laura slams the plate onto the floor, breakin it into three pieces. She storms into the other room, leavin the rest of us to stare at the broken family heirloom shattered on the floor.

"I'm goin out," I tell my in-laws.

I don't know where I'm headin, but I can't be there right now. I need time to think; time to figure out what in the heck we are supposed to do now. Our situation is hopeless. We are flat broke and we have nothin to sell. I'm stuck in this chair, unable to do anythin but be extra work for my family; and now Laura has given up too. The one person I thought could never be kept down, seems defeated.

I make my way over to the farm. Why I am goin there? There's nothin left. I stare at the mess which was once our home. Once again, I wonder why I even came here. There is nothin to see except shattered dreams. I am desperate to find a way to help my family. I wanted Laura to give up on me so that she and Rose could have a life with someone who could take care of her, but she's given up on everything too. She is overcome by how our future suddenly became so bleak. I sit for hours and stare at the ruins of our house, hopin if I wait just a few minutes longer the answer will come to me.

The sound of footsteps shufflin through the grass interrupts my thoughts. My father-in-law appears next to me. "Everyone's starting to worry about you. You've been gone a few hours."

"I don't know what I thought I would find here. Laura's right — it's hopeless."

"C'mon, I'll take you home," says Charles.

I nod and he starts pushin my chair out of the yard. I catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my left eye. I am amazed. How could it be? "Wait a minute," I tell my father-in-law."

"What?"

I point towards it. "Look at that. Look at that plant. I can't believe it."

"It's just a geranium."

"Stupid geranium. I watered it, took care of it, and splinted it when it was broken, it just kept tryin to die on me. Now look at it, a tornado hits it and it's growin up through the ruins of the house."

I shake my head as it comes to me. Why didn't I see it before? It is so obvious as I sit there gazin upon its flourishin green leaves. "You know why Charles? It's because I over tended it. All it needed was some time be alone to heal itself…just like me. As long as Laura and Eliza Jane kept doin everythin for me I didn't see any reason to change. Now Laura needs me. I havta prove to her that I can be there."

"She's going to be awful happy to hear that son," replies Charles.

I feel a glimpse of hope for the first time in months. "I don't want her to know anything about this just yet; I've got a lot of work ahead of me if I'm gonna walk again. Let's make sure I can do it before we get her hopes up." I glance up in the air as I imagine it. "I wanna build her a house and be walkin through that front door when she sees it."

"That's a pretty tall order," says Charles.

I look back at him. "Will you help me?"

"Just tell me what you need. I'll be there."

I smile, grateful for his support. "Thank you."

The wheels start churnin in my head as Charles pushes my chair towards his place. I am excited and hopeful. I can't wait to start workin on my plan. I know if only I can walk, things will get better for us. Laura can be proud to call me her husband again.

Hours ago, I thought life would never improve, but now I see with some hard work and determination things can, and will, get better. Laura knew it all along. She knew I could do it, if I only tried. She told me that often enough. I'll turn things around for all of us — Laura, Rose, me. I just need to pull myself out of this chair. Please God, give me the strength to walk again.

It is after dark now, and Charles and I get to work. He has set up two sawhorses in the barn for me to use as supports. No one will disturb us. We've been bunkin out here since the tornado. They'll think we've gone to bed. I glance at the wooden beams and feel a bit overwhelmed at what I am about to attempt. I haven't tried to walk in months. I haven't done much of anythin, except feelin sorry for myself. I pick one leg off the footrest of my chair, and Charles helps me with the other one. I plant my hands firmly on the sawhorses and lift myself up. I stretch my back. It feels good to be out of the chair for more than a few seconds.

Charles is talkin to me, but I can barely hear what he's sayin; my focus is on gettin to the other end. I force my legs to move forward. Inside my head I'm sayin, "C'mon, you can do it," tryin to convince my legs they can walk. The slipper of my left foot drags the floor. It's stubborn, but I will it to keep movin.

"You're half-way there," Charles tells me.

I'm breathing hard as I move my hands forward and pull my feet up to meet them.

There's that stubborn left leg again. It thinks it can stop me from reachin the other side of the barn, but it's wrong. "Move, move," I say to it. I'm in control, not you. The leg complies. I keep goin.

"Almost there," says Charles.

Just two more steps. One…two…done. I try to catch my breath. I'm exhausted from my struggle.

"How was it?" asks Charles.

I nod in his direction, unable to speak yet.

"Again," he orders.

I glance back at him, still tired from my first run. "Again," I breathlessly answer, and get myself ready to make the trip back.

I've been walkin with the supports for weeks now. As soon as I decided I had to get out of my wheelchair, I began doin those exercises Doc Baker gave me after my stroke. I do them night and day. They strengthen my muscles and make walkin easier. I know I will regain full use of my left leg, and I hope at some point I will be as strong as I was before my stroke. It's Laura I'm worried about.

She hasn't been the same since she found out about the house. She doesn't even get dressed anymore. I can't remember the last time she went into town, or anywhere for that matter. There are days she doesn't even get out of bed. Caroline has taken some time off from work to help me care for Rose. But she is goin back on Monday, so I figure maybe spendin more time with Rose will lift Laura's spirits.

It's almost suppertime and Charles and I sneak out to the barn so I can exercise my legs. We tell Caroline and Laura we have some work to do. I travel from one end to the other pretty easy now. I walk back to Charles and he shows me the cane he made for me.

"I think it's time to let go of the boards."

Suddenly I'm scared. What if I stumble and fall? "I don't know."

"C'mon," he prods. "I made you this cane. Use it."

"Maybe you're right."

I start off slow. It feels good not to be leanin on the boards anymore. I'm one step closer to doin it on my own.

"Almanzo, you're walking," says a shocked Caroline from somewhere behind me.

I turn and see Charles standin hand in hand with his wife. "It's a little surprise we've been working on for Laura," he tells her.

"I think I'm about ready to start workin on the second half of that surprise."

Charles turns to Caroline and explains, "I promised Almanzo I would help him build a new house."

"You're not leaving Walnut Grove?"

"Not if I can help it," I proudly respond.

"Have you talked to Laura about this?"

"No, no, only Doctor Baker knows about it and now you. I'll have to ask ya not to say anythin to Laura, at least for a while; until I know if everythin's gonna work out."

"Well, alright, I won't say anything; but I can't promise to keep the smile off my face."

Caroline leaves the two of us alone and I get back to work. Charles and I agree we will start on the new house tomorrow. I keep walkin from one end of the barn to the other, tryin to get used to my cane. It feels strange leanin on a little stick of wood, but it sure beats sittin in that darn chair. After a few more times around the barn, Charles tells me I better take a rest. He's right; I can feel my legs wobblin underneath me. I plop into my chair and take a deep breath. I reach for my canteen that's hangin off the end of one of the sawhorses and take a large gulp of fresh, cold water.

"You ready to go inside and wash up for supper?" Charles asks me.

"Not yet. I want to do my exercises first."

"All right, I'll come out and get you in ten minutes."

"Okay."

Charles heads out of the barn and I start workin my leg. "Hey Almanzo," he calls to me from the yard.

"Yeah?"

"I'm proud of you."

"Thanks Charles." He smiles and then walks towards the house.

I'm proud too. I almost can't believe I did it. Not long ago, I wanted to die. I saw no way to get better or be of use to my family. But that's all in the past. Now I want to live more than ever. I pulled my crippled body out of that blasted wheelchair and learned to walk again. I finally have a plan for the future.

I think of poor Laura sittin in her parents' house, not even carin if she gets out of bed. She helped me through my illness and now it's my turn to help her. I can't wait to see her face when she sets her eyes on our new house and realizes we're stayin in Walnut Grove. God, I love her. I hope she can forgive me for pushin her away. I just couldn't see past my own self-pity to let her be a part of me. Please God, help us find our way back to each other. I wanna hold her. Tell her I love her. I want things between us to be like they were before my stroke. I never wanna waste a moment. I'll be happy if I can spend the rest of my life lovin her. I pray she'll still want me. And I finally have hope; hope that I can keep my family in Walnut Grove, and hope that I can get my life back to where it used to be.


End file.
